Twenty years ago at a dinner party, I remember watching as a colleague’s wife laid out a massive feast on her dining table. Helped by the other women, one by one, the various entrees were heated, garnished and set on a beautifully embroidered tablecloth. The children were corralled, herded, served and supervised to ensure they ate properly. The ladies worked in easy rhythm, obviously this was a common enough activity, and they handled each other’s children with competent calm even though they discussed the challenges in preparing home cooked meals, the various issues faced by the kids and checked on each other’s family, specially parents back home.
Once the kid were settled, the men were summoned from the living room, and they served themselves and wandered away, a couple pausing to tease the kids or compliment the hostess. Once the kids and men were taken care of, the women started picking up plates and eating, from time to time admonishing the kids for being too loud or wasting food. Dinner finished, the ladies gathered all nearby dishes and cups, and when they checked the living room, some men got up and brought their plates to the sink as well. The kids’ plates were picked up and their hands, faces wiped and sent away with dessert. In the US, in homes of comfortably well off educated, dual income Indians, this scene has been repeated endlessly. And every single time I have had that thought in my mind, why?
Accompanying that thought is a spurt of real anger. Not against the men, by the way. But with the women. Why do we persist in continuing with habits and practices that are obviously illogical? And I will admit, there was a real sense of vindication when the women would complain about their husbands not helping. Why should they, I would think to myself? Why in the world would they choose to do these mindless repetitive tasks that make up the bulk of “living” if women continued to volunteer for them and pride themselves on doing it better? Actually wear their “sacrifice” as a badge of honor, a vindication of their femininity and Motherhood.
My anger was also spurred by the fact that I had been called a rebel, a troublemaker, creating unnecessary unrest against the natural order of things when I refused to cook or clean or do the thousand small things housework entails. Nobody praised me for resisting, not even my parents who had brought me up to think of myself as “no less than a boy”, to think of housework as what was done by those who did not study and succeed. So I looked at these women as pleasers, bartering their rights for compliments, preening themselves for doing everything even as they complained about the stress it created. I will admit, there was anger and contempt, and then anger again because by conforming, they made change tougher for everyone. They didn’t deserve to then complain, and didn’t deserve support when despite all their work, they didn’t get rewarded with respect from their partners. Serves them right, I thought, they brought it on themselves by their need for approval.
Till I was accused of the same because while I did not seek to be liked, I did accept the blame and guilt of not being a “good” wife and mother. I was further along in the spectrum, but just as held in contempt for changing my name when I got married, or accepting the responsibility of home and childcare. I was told I had no right to complain as well. And I felt the sting of scorn from women who said that if I didn’t reject the definition of responsibilities laid upon me, I deserved and in fact had invited the problems I faced. And I couldn’t deny it. I realized that peculiarly the greatest vitriol is reserved not for those who are benefiting from oppressive cultural norms, but for those enduring them without active resistance. We turn on ourselves with vicious rage and impatient reproach. It can be shocking how the original issue is set aside completely, while blame flies freely within the group, each side of the spectrum hurling nasty comments at the other, much to the delight of onlookers who may or may not be actually aware of the real problem.
I don’t understand this level of anger against each other, this ugly side show that we seem to perform, wasting time and energy fighting each other rather than intelligently tackling the issue of consolidating the wins brought by the van guard. Obviously there will be those who through a combination of circumstances and character have advanced further in the cause. Why hold others in such contempt? Why not accept that the ideas will disseminate at different rates, and no benefit comes from arguing within.
My heart hurt when I read the comments on a post by a young woman who had suffered something a lot of us have experienced, “eve teasing” on a local train. That it is very common to have such harassment in public transportation, the shame and stress it causes, was lost and instead of discussing how to fix that problem, this young lady was attacked by a series of comments about her appearance, her need for attention, her obvious exaggeration and so on. By other women!!!!! It pained me enormously to see this attack. I don’t understand it, the level of rage the commenters obviously feel. This time the attack was by those who had either been amazingly lucky to have never experienced it or who felt that speaking up against it was unseemly, the conservative side undercutting the advance.
Why do we feel the need to do this to each other? Why is there this furious impatience for those who are merely expressing their point of view? Is there any doubt that the problem exists? It is a very real issue that needs awareness of scope, intelligent discussion, and possibly multifaceted solutions. But instead of working towards those, so much energy is wasted on such disrespectful derision.
That this anger and contempt rises, I will not deny. I have felt it. But is there a way to remember that change occurs slowly across a spectrum of experiences, and yes, some are taking the brunt of the attack. But as we work through the layers of social demographics, can we not have patience and understanding that experiences and circumstances differ in many subtle ways? Can we treat each other with respect and some compassion? And please, not descend to vicious name calling or victim blaming!
#alkawrites #alkaverse
