“You need to get past the gender thing. You have to look at the issues. You can’t vote for her just because she is a woman.”

I am slip sliding very quickly past middle age into uneasy maturity, my hair is mostly grey defiantly colored, I’ve given up on fitting into my thin jeans and I have routines for almost everything. I have been many things through the years, daughter, sister, friend, wife, lover, infertile, mother, entrepreneur, pizza delivery driver, doctor, accountant, costume designer, programmer, financial analyst, writer, cartoonist and poet. I’ve held my own and felt comfortable in a roomful men very much more senior than I am, and felt out of place in gatherings of women who look like me. I have been alien in India and Indian in America, and I am raising coconuts, kids brown on the outside and hard nuts to crack!

Being a woman does not define me, indeed I have found myself at odds with the sensibilities and traditions of womanhood since I was a girl. What I didn’t know then was that I need to understand the why behind any behavior, and a lot of rules that govern a woman’s life don’t have explicit reasons. It is impossible to explain how pervasive the expectations are, and how the tiny tiny things that seem so minor, so very nit picking, actually nibble away at the simple logic of norms. Despite strong opinions, loud voice and financial independence, I found myself in situations where I muted my opposition simply to keep peace, for respite from the constant battle to establish my space. It is impossible to describe how insistent the encroachment is, how it is so easy to say yes to please a parent or mollify a husband.

I don’t want a woman in the White House so that “women’s issues” can be addressed. For me, it has become a why not? Why is it that we have not had a female president? The lack is glaring in the evidence of some social failure. Either it needs to be proven to me that women are completely incapable of governing or a reason for this militantly gendered history needs to be given to me. Are we really saying that not one woman was ever qualified or educated or able enough to run the country? Are women intrinsically unfit?

That leads to other uncomfortable statistics, doesn’t it? I don’t care if it is because of cultural reasons or social imperatives, reality is unless there has been some active opposition to the idea, the ratio of men to women in most positions should be pretty even. But it isn’t, and yes, that makes me dig in my heels. It becomes a thorn lodged firmly under my skin. It over rides all other considerations, because I have been the lone woman in conference rooms where decisions were made and I know and respect the men with whom I work. I know and respect quite a few men with whom I socialize. I know and respect quite a few boys with whom my daughters compete and team up. I cannot believe these boys and men think I lack intelligence or ability or drive.

So yes, this is about gender for me. And I know it is about gender for a lot of women. It is about our bone deep experience of living in a world where Trump is being offered as an alternative to Hillary. It is a time when I am looking around and watching as people are defending a bigoted, sexist, blustering man who is blathering without the slightest understanding of complexity or nuance, and wondering how could they even begin to compare the two candidates.
I am not even defending Hillary Clinton’s policies and ideas. Do I really need to say anything about her eligibility when the alternative is Trump? I respect political differences and yes, governing a country in this economic and sociopolitical climate is going to be challenging, it will provoke many intelligent debates and mistakes, grave mistakes will be made. That is how life is, we believe in some things, we offer solutions after discussion and thought, we understand issues have facets and actions have consequences, there can be collateral damage far exceeding the intended target.

I need to know that a woman can be elected President. Because that is what I have told my kids. That they can be anything they want. And yes, I could wait another four years, and I’m sure some brilliant women are waiting in the wings. But today, I need to know that a woman can be elected.

I need to know that bigly.