Next week, Priya will go to ‘Science Camp’ for 4 days. My world is turning inside out as I shop for the essentials she has listed out for me.
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Eleven years ago, this house became a home. My husband and I had traveled all over the world, seen pyramids and fed piranhas, walked the Great Wall and the Champs Elysee, consulted the oracle at Delphi and prayed at Wat Arun. But this Odyssey had taken us five years, 35-40 small pills of Clomid (Clomid Rage is a fun side effect), over 200 injections (im, iv and sc), 23 procedures and thousands of dollars in pee kits. But I had been waking up to the reassuring ‘lub dub’ heartbeat (handy dandy personal ultrasound heartbeat monitor) for 7 months now, and consuming soan papdi and chakli by the pound.
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4233 days ago, my husband ripped off his shirt in front of a roomful of people, before gathering the tiny body close to his heart. He had read that skin to skin contact was the best way to kick start bonding, and his strong heartbeat would be the best comfort he could give to the traumatized brand new human being. Since then, she has spent a total of 6 nights away from me, while I have spent 7 nights away from her. The first time she went for a sleepover, I spent three hours outside my friend’s house, too embarrassed to call, but too worried that an unfamiliar house would scare her, and she would be too polite to ask for comfort.
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Over the last 604 weeks, the family must have made at least 500 weeks of excel schedules. So many different attempts to quantify life and organize emotions! Our tip toeing fairy lined up her toys by size, by color, by usage. No random untidiness for her, her underclothes matched her clothes, which matched her jacket, which matched her shoes. Her crayons lay just so, her books stacked just right, and Uday and I came to understand the importance of planning because, God Forbid we ran out of the appropriate cereal or snack! Flexibility and substitutions were dirty words in our house.
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Of the last 101,592 hours, we have watched her dance for over 670 hours. Since she does not understand or watch Hindi movies, this developing interest was incomprehensible to me. But paired with the right teacher, she discovered her ability to execute a complex series of instructions, in rhythm, with precision, her feet tapping here and there, her long fingers posing this way or that, her face flushed with the effort of remembering the next step better than anyone else in the room. Now, she practices alone, to music she loves, her hands stretching out much further than mine. She takes her place, uncomplaining, in a class full of 7-8 year old girls as she learns the basics once again, pirouettes and plies instead of Tatkar and Chakkars.
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In the 6, 095,520 minutes since she was born, Priya has perfected the skill of the quivering lower lip and bright, filled eye. Numerous teachers, uncles, aunts, grandparents and friends have backed down hurriedly as they realized that their words had failed to satisfy her requirements. She gives so much of herself to every effort that it is inconceivable to her that those around her did not appreciate it. While a trophy is not needed EVERY time (though THAT was a hard won concession, believe me), there should be no question that her performance was the best it could be. As her parent, I have to brace myself, because I know the slightest comment (I don’t dare criticize except for very very very important errors) will evoke a major reaction. The latest is a narrowed gaze of rage, arms crossed and faint smoke trickling out her flared nostrils as she practices her tantrums of pre-teenage. I am sure she will perfect it in time to be the best at that as well.
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I am confessing that I am a helicopter mom, I have no excuse. Her suitcase will be impeccably packed, perfectly coordinated outfits with appropriate alternative for rain or sun. An umbrella, raincoat, bug spray, sting ease, sun screen, laundry bag, labeled toiletries, alarm clock, waterproof camera, notebooks, coordinated sleeping bag, blanket and pillow. She will follow the instructions of the counselors, take all the precautions, eat the American style food and Climb the tree (a $30 lesson she tried to justify to me). I have to just let her go, smile pleasantly, and then confine my raging need for my touchstone to my long suffering husband. When she comes back, she would have spent 10 nights away from me.
Priyanka is going to Science Camp – Motherhood