The need to surrender

Alyssa carefully hooked on the dangling chandelier earrings with clusters of Swarovski crystals and soft dusty pink and gold beads, which were so long that they brushed her shoulders, delicately glinting as she moved. She opened the silver jewelry box and picked up the beautifully worked dark brown leather collar, trimmed with soft dusty rose ribbons, and clasped it around the elegant column of her neck. It had a small ring attached in the front from which dangled a tiny cluster of what could only be diamonds, their fire brilliant in the lights of the vanity.Her bracelets matched, and she smoothly buckled one clasp, then stretched out the other hand towards Nina, the reporter, who had been sitting quietly on a cream brocade wing back chair, watching her get ready, waiting for an answer to her question.
“Why do I like to be a submissive?” Alyssa looked pensive as Nina carefully hooked the cuffs.”It is difficult to explain. Imagine being a strong willed child of an insecure mother. A mother who does not see the child as a separate independent person, but as an extension of her own self in an uncertain, punitive world. Every choice made by the child to stray from the very narrow path of safety is considered a direct personal threat to the mother’s personal well being and is countered harshly, accompanied by exclamations of alarm, protestations of concern, labels of reckless self endangerment. The answer is always no, the choice is always tagged impetuous, the child thoughtless and impulsive, the punishments harsh ad punitive.”
Nina laughed, “Indian mothers can be a little over involved. It is just culturally our way.”
“Right, the interfering mothers and mothers in law? Everyone has them. That is the problem with personality disorders, people see the traits in themselves, in their own relatives, and think it just isn’t so uncommon for a mother to be involved, for a daughter to be resentful. They don’t understand what it means for there to be no boundaries at all between a mother’s self and a daughter’s. That every thing the mother likes, the daughter must too. Every thing mother dislikes, the daughter must as well. Every single failure of the daughter is a personal failure, every attempt to be independent, a direct threat to the mother. To that mother, it would be like a hand declaring freedom from the rule of her will, unthinkable! Can the hand have a friend of her own? Choices separate from the rest of the body? Decisions and actions independent of the control of the mind? Of course not.”
Alyssa smoothed on sheer gossamer stockings, hooking them carefully to the lace straps dangling from the garter. “After some time, the child adopts the labels, considers herself selfishly self destructive, convinced her choices are always wrong, and the consequences of the mistakes always disastrous.” She stood for a moment in front the mirror, adjusting the corset, straightening the seams. “it is a hard life out there for that girl, even if she breaks free of the mother. Do you know how many decisions one has to make during the course of a day? The cereal you should eat, the phone service to use, the color of lipstick to wear. Things you do without even thinking, I spend hours agonizing over, second guessing myself. And even if I did manage to settle on something, I would worry about it because i knew it would be wrong or selfish. It’s easy to find others willing to take control, you know? Who want to rule and own ”
Nina scribbled furiously in her notebook, trying to capture every word, but at these last words, she looked up in surprise, “How can you say that? You are considered one of the best, most aggressive, most successful divorce lawyers in town. You are an important part of the professional women’s group.”
Alyssa smiled cynically, her body language changing from softly alluring to arrogantly confident, her eyes hard, her jaw hardening. Despite the frivolous lingerie and the demeaning collar and cuffs, she seemed poised and assertive.
“Oh, I am a very good lawyer. I am smart and intelligent, and very very strong. I am also a motivated student of human nature and I know why people do the things they do. Your biggest enemy sits inside, hidden behind your own skin. And from time to time, you need to meet her eyes in a mirror, acknowledge her, because you can’t fight an adversary you won’t recognize. She,” nodding at the reflection in the mirror, “and I are well acquainted. The relief I feel letting myself be ruled, my every decision made, my power taken away, the responsibility for the consequences laid on someone else’s shoulders, I can never explain to anyone else. Blindfolded, gagged, bound and used, I feel finally outside, how I live within my mind. And that is why I submit, Ms Reporter. You should try it some time. I think I hear my ride, I was told to be ready at eight.”
The bell rang, and Alyssa shrugged into a soft cream cashmere jacket, and tied it’s belt securely. Her impossibly high heels made no sound on the marble tiled floor, and she quirked an eyebrow questioningly at the open mouthed Nina still sitting with her notebook open.
(c) alka
Dec 26, 2015